Oh September.

I decided to write down what’s happening into a story that probably no one would read. But that’s OK. I just need a platform to share my feelings.

I’ve been in quarantined/ locked down for the past 5 months, a very frustrating moment in 2020. All I hoped was to get a job so that I could be financially independent and at least pay for my own bills. I was lonely and constantly feeling sad because I’ve never been this jobless after I graduated and everyone is so distant because of the pandemic.

Later on 1st September, I was accepted at one of the Indonesian state-owned companies. It was a hard decision to choose between settling with this for the next few years or to be one of those inspiring diplomats, well both of these positions require me to serve the country anyways. And I chose to work with the company that have more certainties. To this day, I regret not going down without a fight and just completely giving up on the opportunity to be one step closer as a diplomat.

During my time working at one of the first companies ever established in Indonesia, I’ve gone through a lot. In just one day I could laugh and feel frustrated in the next second. Weird, isn’t it? Some of my friends say that this isn’t an ideal workplace, but I have so many considerations to hold on to this because I believe this gives me an even better opportunity and challenge than being a diplomat. This is my third week working and I can safely say that I survive! Just another week before my first payday!

I have great and funny coworkers now, I’m very close with them as we spend time more than anyone at the office. And I can say I’m lucky enough to know and work with them. It won’t be an easy ride I believe, but I think it will be manageable. *finger crossed*

But this week, this specific week, the third week of September was a hell ride of a roller coaster. Long story short, it was stressful but bearable at work(thanks to my crazy coworkers!). It’s just.. there is a very unfortunate event that happened recently. I was really devastated when I heard this (I mean if you know me personally and I told you the whole story already you should now.). Like what the f is this coincidence? Does it have to be this way? LIKE REALLY? NOW? God, you don’t even think to let me breathe?

Never in my life, I’ve experienced this kind of feeling. I do wish to disappear for a second. The hardest 12 hours of my life. I couldn’t even sleep the night before, and I literally had a dream about it. And then BOOM. It was all moving too fast man I cannot even process the whole thing. But whatever happens happens.. so yaudah. Mau gimana lagi?

Now, when I am writing this, I feel so much lighter. Idk man, maybe it is what it is so it’s so easy to let go now. It hurts but not as bad as I imagined. I can’t say I’m happy for you, but I’m wishing the best.

Also, I quit my volunteering commitment last week of September. Padahal, it’s something that I really want to try in my life, to volunteer outside my current organisation. But unfortunately, I got so overwhelmed by my how chaotic and busy my current work is so I had to let them go *sigh*.

So that’s it. That’s my story that no one would probably read. Gak ada moral of the story-nya juga. Hehe. Those who manage to read this far, thank you!